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ADULT CHILD OF AN ALCOHOLIC )
From the San Diego, Cal., ACOA Meetings
@          To be an Adult Child of an Alcoholic who has come far B
@enough out of denial to recognize the personal validity of "The B
@Problem" is to earn recognition as one of the toughest, sanest, D
Bpsychologically strongest people the world knows, with a capacity @
for personal responsibility that is unusual, to say the least.
>          Sane, totally sane all our lives, whether or not we D
Badopted insanity, suicide attempts, self-abusive drinking, eating D
Bor drug use, compulsive working or obsessive relationships as our
ways of handling our lives.
          For the few who have survived the traumas of childhood,D
Badolescence and adulthood, who have screened themselves, selected ?
=themselves throughout the other 12 Step programs, therapies, A
?consciousness expansions, insane asylums, jails and hospitals, C
Aall that is needed is a safe place where we can finally shed our >
<defenses, our denial, and admit to ourselves and others how A
?angry, hurt, maddened, wounded we have always felt.  Admit it,
experience it, and release it.
?          And finally we are safe.  We have ourselves, we have D
Beach other; we are brother, sister, self, father and mother as we C
Aneed them, need each other, until we are all self, able to claim B
@our lives, our adulthood, our responsibility for ourselves, our
lives and everything in them.
>          Anyone who can handle what comes up at six meetings @
>without retreating into denial, "That is not MY Problem", has @
>begun an irreversible process of recovery; everything in that D
Bperson's life becomes part of the recovery process, regardless of A
?how chaotic it looks or feels.  We act out, at least once, our B
@old dramas and defenses to see if they are as unnecessary as we B
@hope they are. They are, and we typically do not slip back into D
Bdenial of our other obsessions; we keep our other programs going;
 survivors.
A          There are many explanations, ranging from religious to >
<scientific, psychiatric, or a consciousness expansion which D
Bincludes all of these.  Any explanation seen, heard or thought of C
Aso far includes one central statement in complete agreement with
all the others:
THE TWELVE STEPS WORK
_________________________________________________________________
THE ACOA PROGRAM AND HOW IT WORKS
       REPORT OF THE IDENTITY, PURPOSE AND RELATIONSHIP COMMITTEE
7          We find a difference in identity and purpose @
>distinguishes Adult Children of Alcoholics from other 12 Step :
programs and underscores the need for our special focus.
>          The central problem for ACOAs is a mistaken belief, B
@formed in childhood, which affects every part of our lives.  As <
:children, we fought to survive the destructive effects of B
@alcoholism, and began an endless struggle to change a troubled, A
?dysfunctional family, into a loving, supportive one.  We reach C
Aadulthood believing we failed, unable to see no one can stop the )
traumatic effects of family alcoholism.
;          Following naturally from this pervasive sense of C
Afailure are self-blame, shame and guilt.  These self-accusations C
Aultimately lead to self-hate.  Accepting our basic powerlessness B
@to control alcoholic behavior, and its effect on the family, is E
Cthe key that unlocks the inner-child and lets re-parenting begin.  ;
9When the "First Step" is applied to family alcoholism, a 3
fundamental basis for self-hate no longer exists.
>          Two characteristics identify the ACOA program.  The @
>program is for adults raised in alcoholic homes, and although D
Bsubstance abuse may exist, the focus is on the self, specifically ;
9on reaching and freeing the inner-child, hidden behind a
protective shield of denial.
?          The purpose of ACOA is three-fold ... to shelter and @
>support "newcomers" in confronting "denial"; to comfort those @
>mourning their early loss of security, trust and love; and to ?
=teach the skills for re-parenting ourselves with gentleness,
humor, love and respect.
A          Moving from isolation is the first step an Adult Child B
@makes in recovering the self.  Isolation is both a prison and a ?
=sanctuary.  Adult Children, suspended between need and fear, B
@unable to choose between fight or flight, agonize in the middle >
<and resolve the tension by explosive bursts of rebellion or B
@silently endure the despair.  Isolation is our retreat from the ;
9pain of indecision.  This retreat into denial blunts our C
Aawareness of the destructive reality of family alcoholism and is >
the first stage of mourning and grief.  It allows us to copeB
@with the loss of love and to survive in the face of neglect and
abuse.
A          The return of feelings is the second stage of mourning A
?and indicates a healing has begun.  Initial feelings of anger, D
Bguilt, rage and despair resolve into a final acceptance of loss.  A
?Genuine grieving for our childhood ends our morbid fascination C
Awith the past and lets us return to the present, free to live as
adults.
<          Confronting years of pain and loss at first seems ?
=overwhelming.  Jim Goodwin, in describing the post-traumatic B
@stress of Vietnam veterans, writes that some veterans "actually A
?believe that if they once again allow themselves to feel, they C
Amay never stop crying or may completely lose control ... ."  (J. A
?Goodwin, "The Etiology of Combat-Related Post Traumatic Stress C
Disorders",
Disabled American Veterans
, p. 16 [Cincinnati, OH])
?          Sharing the burden of grief others feel gives us the A
?courage and strength to face our own bereavement.  The pain of ?
=mourning and grief is balanced by being able, once again, to B
@fully love and care for someone and to freely experience joy in
life.
A          The need to re-parent ourselves comes from our efforts =
;to feel safe as children. The violent nature of alcoholism D
Bdarkened our emotional world and left us wounded, hurt and unable D
Bto feel.  This extreme alienation from our own internal direction A
kept us helplessly dependent on those we mistrusted and feared.
7          In an unstable, hostile, and often dangerous >
<environment, we attempted to meet the impossible demands of @
>living with family alcoholism, and our lives were soon out of D
Bcontrol.  To make sense of the confusion, and to end our feelings A
?of fear, we denied inconsistencies in what we were taught.  We <
:held rigidly to a few certain beliefs, or we rebelled and &
distrusted all outside interference.
B          Freedom begins with being open to love.  The dilemma of A
?abandonment is a choice between painful intimacy or isolation, =
;but the consequence is the same -- we protect ourselves by >
<rejecting the vulnerable inner-child and are forced to live D
Bwithout warmth or love.  Without love, intimacy and isolation are (
equally painful, empty and incomplete.
@          Love dissolves self-hate.  We give ourselves the love ?
=we seek and embrace the lonely child inside.  With a child's B
@sensitivity, we reach out to explore the world again and become -
aware of the need to love and trust others.
>          The warm affection we have for each other heals our B
@inner hurt.  ACOAs' loving acceptance and gentle support lessen C
Aour feelings of fear.  We share our beliefs and distrust without D
Bjudgment or criticism.  We realize the insanity of alcoholism and D
Bbecome willing to replace the confusing beliefs of childhood with B
@the clear, consistent direction of the 12 Steps and Traditions, =
and to accept the authority of the loving God they reflect.
=          ACOA's relationship to other anonymous programs is @
>shared dependence on the 12 Steps for a spiritual awakening.  B
@Each program's focus is different, but the Solution remains the
same.
A          In childhood, our identity is formed by the reflection C
Awe see in the eyes of the people around us.  We fear losing that D
Breflection ... thinking the mirror makes us real and we disappear
or have no self without it.
A          The distorted image of family alcoholism is not who we =
;are.  And we are not the unreal person trying to mask that ?
=distortion.  In ACOA, we do not stop abusing a substance, or C
Alosing ourselves in another.  We stop believing we have no worth ?
=and start to see our true identity, reflected in the eyes of D
Bother Adult Children, as the strong survivors and valuable people
we actually are.D
_________________________________________________________________
THE SOLUTION
          The Solution is to become your own loving parent.
8          We look now our our biological parents as the ?
=instruments of our existence.  Our actual parent is a Higher D
BPower we call God.  And if God gave us alcoholic parents, He also #
gave us the 12 Steps of recovery.
A          We use the Steps.  We use the telephone.  And we share @
>our experience, strength and hope with each other.  This work B
@enables us to heal ourselves and restucture our thinking -- one A
?day at a time.  We release our parents from responsibility and <
:thus become free to make healthy decisions as actors, not
reactors.
?          You will not do all this alone.  Look around you and C
Ayou will see other men and women who know how you feel.  We will B
@love and encourage you, and we ask you to accept us as brothers '
and sisters -- just as we accept you.
>          By attending these meetings on a regular basis, you A
?will come to see parental alcoholism for what it is: a disease A
?that infected you as a child and continues to affect you as an A
?adult.  When you accept the disease concept, you will learn to D
Bkeep the focus on yourself in the here and now, and free yourself D
Bfrom the shame and blame that are carry-overs from the past.  You E
Cwill become an adult no longer imprisoned in childhood reactions.  A
?You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your
own parenting.
B          This is a spiritual program based on action coming from B
@love.  We're sure that as the love grows inside you, you'll see D
Bbeautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with your '
parents, your God, and with yourself.
KEEP COMING BACK